I fear I am not being entirely honest with myself. Everybody who knows me, knows that I love my work. I always talking about it (apart from on this blog!), I’m always there, at times it appears to consume me. However they do not hear the backstory. My paranoia at my work colleagues, the constant doubting of myself and my abilities. I might be smiling but inside there is a war going on. I have thus far been able to keep this under control and under wraps and I will continue to do so. However it consumes so much mental energy and dents my overall level of happiness and job satisfaction. I have on many occasion toyed with the idea of changing jobs but because I fear the problem is me – I wonder if these issues would just follow me to the next place.
My main issue, I think, is with one particular colleague. While on the surface the professional relationship is amicable, in my head this could not be more different. I am not entirely sure what this reason is. All I know is that I am so uncomfortable around this colleague. This colleague throws me off balance and sets my soul at complete unease. I feel tense, I feel like I have to watch my back and be ready to fight at any moment. On the days when that colleague is not around – I feel calm and relaxed and I can focus. Of course this colleague is the most loved person in the office, which only makes me feel even worse. However I wonder if this sense of unease is a reflection of my insecurities and paranoia. I wonder if it is just me that picks up on the subtle undermining tones that are thrown around or perhaps I am paranoid. Maybe I am interpreting these social mores and I am failing to understand that it is all part of the slings and arrows of normal life. Maybe it easy for me then to blame something else for my own failings. So you see, while I am focusing on all of this, it makes it hard to enjoy my job. I can do my job and I and I can do it well but for me this colleague, removes the icing from the cake. Or maybe it is just me.
So I continue to work on myself. I learn to put things in perspective. I try and have confidence in my own abilities and try not to misread social cues. I try to set my own rules about how I want to live and feel about my life and not be bound by my paranoid thoughts. But it is hard. Even writing this post and thinking about the situation has filled every part of my being with tension and I am not quite enjoying my cup of lemon, ginger and manuka honey tea or the sunshine that is flooding into the room on this lovely May weekend morning.
I will get there, to that place, in the end…