God and babies

So I have reached the grand old age of 39 years and I still have not reproduced yet. The thought came crashing into my consciousness when two of my oldest friends happened to meet in my flat with their children this Sunday. For 20 minutes there were 4 little boys 2,5, 6 and 9 with two sets of parents and me and my fiance squashed into my small lounge. It was heartwarming. Very much so. It made me wonder for the first time – am I missing out?

Of course it not the first time I am thinking this – of course it is not. However until now I was not in a position in which that having children would even be possible. Until now, I had not even allowed myself the possibility that this might be an option for me. I deliberately stayed away from thinking about the craving for a child that seems to possess some women. It did not seem like a good use of my thinking energy and it did not seem to possess me either. Even now as I head towards my fourth decade I refuse to panic about it (but maybe I should?). There just does not seem to be much point. I think I was always of the belief that whatever would be, would be. But now I wonder that perhaps this was my way of quelling my rising panic. I told myself that that the relationship was more important than any babies that may or may not come. But perhaps I was lying to myself – ignoring the realities and joy that comes from motherhood. It is not over – there is still time but I have to acknowledge at this time in my life it will be harder – just a biological fact. I sway with being at peace with things and being thankful for the life and family that I do have and panicking about losing  what might potentially be.

I guess I still believe that if it is meant to be – it will happen. That seems to be the way that many things have happened in my life. But a little voice whispers  “but you have to make it happen” and that has also been the way with some other things in my life. Anyway I have a few hurdles to overcome this year and we shall move on.


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